Amazing Holiday

On December 8th it was one year since my Momma passed. Although that day was hard and at times unbearable what took place after that day was amazing. I know in my heart that my Mother and God have blessed my family this month. 

There was some drama with my Aunt's ex in laws in the beginning of the month, it included down talking my family, trying to get my little cousin put into foster care, lying about what others were saying and trying to get my aunt kicked out of her home. Sounds awesome right? Yeah not so much but it's ok now. Our family has been overcome by addiction by several people. It's been years since we actually had a family event where everyone was sober or not talking about where they were getting their next fix. I know what a family huh? Well a few months ago one of my Aunts started a treatment plan to get clean. Yay!! After what happened this month with my other Aunts ex in laws and the threat of losing my cousin she is now starting treatment. Double Yay! Needless to say this was the quietest Christmas Eve or family event in years. That alone is just amazing and I didn't want to strangle people either. 

It's  been a tradition for the past few years that my cousin and his family come home for Christmas. They live in North Carolina which is about 10 hours from us. Well the week visit, just as years past, went way to fast. Although, it was truly amazing to be able to see how much his son has grown. The best part of Christmas day was the fact that my Uncle who hasn't really been apart of any family gatherings had taken me up on the offer of coming to visit us at my Gram and Pap's. You have no idea how much this meant to me and everyone in my family. I have always loved my uncle as well as my family. Things just happened and feelings got hurt; which is never easy for either side. I still get tears in my eyes thinking about how blessed god has made my families this year. 

So with my Christmas holiday being truly a blessing from God. Here is to a New Year full of Hope, Love and Family! 

Bad Friend

For the past several weeks I have noticed a change in my personality as well as my emotions. One of which resulted in me being a  bad friend. I am not who I use to be several years ago. It seems that at that time I was a social butterfly who loved hanging out with my friends and family. Now I would rather just stay home with my dad. 

For the past few weeks I have been without my cell phone because I just cant justify spending money on a cell when I pay for a home number. Well I had asked my best friend about hanging out with her for her birthday. She said she would let me know and she did but I didn't get the message until I was already home last night and didn't have the gas to go back to town. I feel so horrible and wished at that point I had my cell turned on so I could have gotten her message. It would have been so great to hang out with her on her birthday. Last year I wasn't able to due to my mom being sick with the cancer. I have other friends to that have taken a back seat with me. I am not sure what my plans are for New Years Eve but I think that as long as the weather is good I am going to make the trip to see my best friend aka Sister. I miss her so much!

Feeling Blah

Lately I been feeling down. I know a lot of it is coming from the fact that I haven't taken my medicine in almost 2+ Weeks. Kinda hard to do so when you run short on money after paying the bills and have just enough, if enough for gas to get back to work. So needless to say med's took a back seat. I don't make a lot of money where I work and I am in the process now of switching to a work from home job. So hopefully working from home will help with my mood and having more money because I will be making $.75 more an hour and also not paying for gas or parking tickets. Everyone is always saying how I need to park in the back parking lot at work and get a permit. Well yes that is a great idea! Except for the fact that I am unable to walk that far without feeling like I can't breath. I keep up with my tickets and send checks in every pay to take care of them so they don't go to magistrate. I come home and find that one slipped through the cracks. I had no idea and thought I took care of this. I don't know what else to do. I am always feeling like shit, feel like everyone is yelling at me, nothing I do is good enough. Guess that is life and I should just get over it. I would never kill myself but sometimes I just wish it would all end. You don't know what it's like to know that your always going to be the fat girl. Yes, if I eat right I could manage my insulin disorder better. However, everything healthy cost money. I gotta make sure the bills at home are taken care of before I can go out and spend whatever on healthy food. As I said before after bills and gas is taken care of I barely have enough for medicine so where the hell am I coming up with the money for healthy food. I just don't know what to do anymore. Just seems like I am in this on going hell where everything is fucked up and always will be. 

Whats on my mind..

I have had somethings on my mind recently. One of those being my friend Michelle who is dealing with Lupus. She gets these painful spots all over her body and some have even began to bleed. She is having such a heard time finding a treatment plan that works for her. Sometimes it has even made it worse. I have learnt a lot from her about Lupus. I have heard of it before but never understood what exactly it was. I still have so much to learn about lupus and hope that someday they are able to find a magic pill or treatment to help people suffering from lupus live normal lives. See Michelle has lost a lot due to this autoimmune disease. She is no longer able to live the life she use to such as enjoying the outdoors without being covered completely and is pretty much confined to her home. Any sunlight causes her to have bad reactions and break out in those painful sores. I honestly wish for this reason that marijuana was legal in our state so she could maybe have some sort of relief from the pain.

Then there is my handsome and daring nephew. This boy is so full of life. But recently his mom has come out and told us that one day on the bus he came home with marks from where a little girl had stabbed him with a pen. She has also threatened to kill him. He is only in grade school and has to deal with this. People need to raise their children right instead of sitting on Facebook all day and not taking time to interact with their children. Breaks my heart to know he is going through this. What has this world come to?

I have several friends who suffer chronic pain on a daily basis. Yes i know there are pain medicines out there but they do more damage to your body. I really think this state needs to approve medical marijuana. I guess what really is on my mind is not being able to help my friends to be comfortable. Ugh! So if you could please say a prayer for someone you know who is suffering from an internal battle, whether it be depression, chronic pain or a chronic illness.

Things I Need To Say

I wish you could see the hold that addiction has on you. You are no longer the same person you were years ago. Yes, I know you have suffered several great losses. I did too! But you have a child who loves you more than anything. This child would be lost without you. You use to take such great care of him but now it seems as though the addiction is beating you. I know how hard it is to give up something that you have done every day for years. However, you child and his needs should come before anyone else. That’s how you use to be. Now instead of paying your bills or buying school cloths you spent that money on your addiction. I hurt for you and I know you can see that. I also know you see how it affects your child. I love you more than anything and the last thing I want to do is lose you. Please stop trying to kid everyone around you and take the necessary steps to be clean and live longer for your child. You saw what I went through with losing my mom. Could you imagine going through that as a teenager. To my friends who are going through addiction please take the necessary steps to get help. Those of you have children to so please if it’s the last thing you do put them ahead of yourself/addiction. 

Ways I Can Improve Myself

Let's start by me admitting my flaws. First step to recovery is admitting you have a problem right? Now, where do I start?

First and most important thing I want to change is my obesity, this has always been an issue ever since I was about eight or nine years old. When I was in high school my senior year I did extremely well with excercise and ended up losing nearly 60lbs in a few months. Of course I also was using those stacker 3 pills with the ephedrine in them. Boy how i miss those bad boys. I would have so much energy and walk 5-10 Miles a day while jamming out to my favorite music. Now I smoke so I have a hard time walking anywhere. I did quit for awhile but started back up when my moms got worse with her cancer. I tried stopping right after I lost her in December but add that to my list of fails. So what I propose to do is start eating healthy again. Veggies and fruit will replace my junk food. I love fruits and veggies, but man they can be expensive to buy ever two weeks. But I am going to budget for healthy food because I also have a insulin problem where my body makes to much and by controlling my diet alone will help me lose weight. Eventually, I will get to a point where it will be easier to start walking, even if its just around the block. I have some 5lb weights so I will use those to tone my arms.

Another thing I have a bad habit of doing that I really need to work on is hitting the snooze button on my alarm. This causes me to run late all the time. I can't keep being late for work because it is not fair to my boss or coworkers.

Finally, yes I said finally because these are the most important things. I want to start doing things for myself and work on making me happy again. I always put others first and try to help others before myself. Usually, me helping others leads to me going in debt and spending money I need for bills on others. I want to work on getting my credit score up about 550 again. I also want to focus on photography, quilting and crafts. I also wanna attempt my first trash to treasure flip. Just think that would be something cool to do.

No Title for This Really...

My mom was born in Lock Haven on June 14^th, 1960. She was the first child for her mother Loretta Mae Hetzel and Robert Edward Stevenson. My mom had a pretty good childhood aside from some family drama, but you will always have that in every family. The thing that matters most is that her parents always gave her what she needed and loved her unconditionally. Her sisters Brenda and Donna were trouble makers so Mom would get in trouble for things they did and even had a stereo smashed because of them. She never forgot this and always reminded them of it too lol. My mom was about 12 yrs. old when her baby sister Tammie was born. So mom took to her the most. Probably because my Aunt Tammie was so much like her. Mom always loved spoiling her. She always told me about the one Christmas that she had a job and went out and bought aunt tam this giant teddy bear that was bigger than my aunt lol.

When she graduated high school she started working full time. That’s when she started getting new friends and partying. She even bought her first new car I believe it was a 79 Nova (Don’t quote me on that). Eventually, Moms met my dad. They shared some of the same friends. Mom always told me how that dad saved her one night when her one boyfriend (Dave I think) was fighting with her and my dad stepped in. They have pretty much been together since then. She got pregnant after a few months I believe and had me on March 17^th, 1984 at 9:26pm at the lock haven hospital. She always called me her good luck baby. I was her pride and joy and I knew it. My Momma took care of me and made sure that I had everything I needed. She didn’t care if she went without or not.

There are two days that come to mind when I think she was the most disappointed and that is the day she had to tell dad and I that she had ovarian cancer. She told us that the doctor said that she could live 5-10 years. We found out years down the road when mom went to see doctor young that he didn’t think she was going to make it that long. But she did because she is a fighter. The second day that comes to mind is when Pap, Tam &Me went with her to her appointment in Danville at the Knapper Clinic. That was the day she had to come out and tell me that there was nothing more they could do. All they could do is make her comfortable by giving her platelets and blood transfusion. The cancer had spread to her bone marrow. I cried and cried. I know it went right through her. We were all scared. The following months we watched her slowly lose her battle to Ovarian Cancer. She started having to stay in the hospital for extended periods of time. At one point she had to have a tube put in her lung to drain the fluid out of it 24/7. We watched the cancer affect her brain and mobility. She stopped eating. It was so horrible, but dad stayed by her side and took care of her. He made sure that everything was done for her, medicine was given when needed. He slept on the recliner for months.

My Mom was the best mother a girl could ask for. I feel bad for those who never got to know what a real mother is. My Mom is my hero and I miss her every day. I haven’t been the same since she past. I no longer have the drive and determination that I use to have. I don’t get excited over anything anymore. All the things I loved I no longer care about doing. I know that’s not what she wants but I just can’t get past it right now. To all those worried about me taking my life, please don’t worry about that. I promise you that I will never do that. I can’t! I could never put my Dad through that. He already lost my Mom and it would kill him to lose me. I couldn’t do that to my Grandparents, Aunt Tam or my cousins. So please don’t ever think that I would consider suicide as a way out. I love you all too much to ever do that. I am having a real hard time dealing with this, but I will get past it. I am made up of my Momma and Daddy’s DNA which means I don’t back down, I am a fighter and this depression will not win. It won’t! Someday I will get my drive and determination back but right now I am dealing with grief.

I don’t like to talk about things so please don’t say to me that if you need to talk I am here. I know you’re here for me. Honestly, I don’t know what I need. Right now if you want to do anything for me or be here for me. I love mountain rides so if you want to do something for me. Tell me we are going out on the mountain for the day. Don’t think that because we are quiet that you’re not being a good friend, because you being quiet and just hanging out with me, means more than trying to talk and pry into my issues. I am not going nowhere so get it out of your head.. Love you all..

Wolf in sheeps clothing

I know for me when I call you a friend I mean it. However, when I lose a friend it hurts. Recently I thought of someone as a good friend only to find out that they were not who I thought they were. I am still pretty upset with the situation. Yes I feel as though I could have handled things different but I can’t change that now. I was so upset that this person was not who I thought. It wasn’t like one minute we were ok and the next we weren’t. See in the past months it’s been little things being said or done that started to get me wondering. Well, this person was saying things that I just couldn’t see being said by others. I know that there have been times I heard things being said by others and I won’t deny this. But when the things this person said the others were saying I just didn’t believe it. Well at first I did and it caused a whole lot of stress and tension between a lot of us. Well last week this person said that another said something. So instead of dwelling on it and getting mad at the other person I asked them. That’s when I realized that all these months I was believing things being said that were being taken out of context or not being said at all. I was getting mad at people who I have known for eight years. In workplace you gain some great additions to your life. These people/friends are people who have walked beside me and held my hand in my darkest days. I realize it’s a work environment and you shouldn’t be so personal with others, but when you are with them 40+hours a week it’s hard not to share the joys in your life and also vent about things that are going on. It just really upsets me that I have to let someone walk out of my life that I called friend because they were a wolf in sheep clothing.  

Superhero Short Story- Firefly Princess

There once was a little girl name Lily Waters who grew up in a small farm community. As a child her parents gave her chores which included going outside after dark to feed the chickens. Well you see this was the worst chore she had because she was terribly afraid of the dark. When you live in the country there are no street lights to provide you light. She didn’t mind her chore so much on summer nights when the firefly’s would be out. She felt safe because she convinced herself that they were little fairies sent to protect her and light her way.

One night while she was running to the chicken coop she had a terrible accident. You see it was dark and she couldn’t see where she was running; when out of nowhere she bumped her head off of one of the fence posts. Her parents rushed her to the doctors where she laid in a coma for a week. When she woke up her parents were not there, the room was dark and scary. That’s when it happened; all she did was wish for firefly’s to light the room and next thing she knew there was a dozen jars of firefly’s that appeared in the room.

When she went home a few days later, she was getting around to go outside and do her chores. So when she went outside she closed her eyes and prayed for fireflies. When she opened her eyes there were thousands of them lighting up the yard. That’s when she knew that she wanted to help other kids who were afraid of the dark. So each night she would sneak out of her house and go around to houses that had children, close her eyes and wish for fireflies to light up the children’s rooms. The children who were afraid of the dark were no longer afraid to go to bed ever again. They knew the Firefly Princess would keep their rooms lit up. 

Yoo, Alice. "500 LEDs Resemble Glowing Fireflies at Night." My Modern Met. 

My Modern Met, 28 Dec. 2012. Web. 28 June 2014.

Letter to myself

Dear Jessy,

Something you did when you were 12 will haunt you forever. When James asks you if that is your mom as your walking beside her to the store don’t be sarcastic and say no because it doesn't come out that way. The pain you caused your mother even though you didn't mean to will always stick with you. That will be one of your biggest regrets. Please stop arguing with your mom and walk away when you get annoyed. Don’t say to her you wish you were never born. When you get older you will realize just how much it hurt her. She has done everything in her power to provide you with what you needed so stop being the rebellious teenager.

When you are in high school you will have the time of your life. Don't worry about getting that job when you are 16 because it’s only gonna cause your grades to slip. When you graduate high school you will have your first heart break. That boy is no good and he will teach you not to be so naïve. When your gut tells you something is up, trust it!

When you are 21 do not write those bad checks that you are thinking about. Your paychecks will not cover them and it will save you embarrassment and the stress of going through court. The people who you are hanging out with will give you some of the greatest memories but always stay on your toes because not all of their intentions are good.

Remember to always love with all your heart and give 110% in everything you do. When you are in your late 20’s you will realize that your life has been good and every mistake you have made has led you to be the caring and compassionate person you are. The people you surround you will always remind you of this and push you to be the best at whatever you decide.

In college your are asked to write a life goal but you should always keep it in mind when your younger as well. It says:

"My Goal in life is to be the best person I can be. To never give up on my dreams. I want to be someone that kids can look up to and influence them to strive to reach their goals."

P.S. Southern Comfort will cause you many awesome nights, but those memories will cause you great embarrassment. So stick with beer or Jack lol

Introduction

My name is Jessica Dawn and I am 30 years old. I spent the first few years of my life in Sugar Valley till I was 4 years old. Then my parents and I moved to Lock Haven. Even though I grew up close to my moms family because of living within a block radius of each other, my heart was always in The Valley. When I was 14 years old my wish came true and my parents and I relocated to Sugar Valley. This is my home!
Things I am interested in include: camping, fishing, photography, quilting, pretty much anything that allows me to be creative.
My inspirations are most definitely my family and friends. Each of us has fought a battle of some kind, but no matter how bad that battle was they all come out of it as amazing human beings. A girl couldn't ask for a better group of inspirational people.

Dear Mommy

Dear Mommy,

You were and will always be one of the strongest women I know. You have been through so much not just with illness but with other events that took place in your life. Never once did I ever doubt how much you cared for me. You always put me ahead of yourself. It was not uncommon for you to go out of your way to help others either. I think god put you in Dad’s life for a reason and that is because he needed someone who would give him the unconditional love, trust and friendship that you did. In turn you had me and were the best mother anyone could ever want. You were always truthful even when others didn’t want to hear it and voiced your opinion. I know that’s where I got it from. I look at my friends and the childhoods/ relationships they had and I feel so bad that they weren’t given the parents that I was. I could never imagine having a parent who didn’t stand up for me or protect me the way that you and my dad did. I do have regrets of fights we use to have especially the ones that I had with you when I was a teenager. I remember repeatedly telling you how I wish I was never born. I am sorry for that. Never once did I ever regret you having me as your daughter. When you got sick with the cancer I think I was in denial I kept thinking “Oh she is gonna get through this”. I hoped, I prayed, I begged but in the end I was no longer hoping, praying or begging for you to fight. I just wanted your pain to end. I wish I could have told you how much I loved you in the end. I couldn’t bring myself to tell you because I knew it would upset you and I would cry which wouldn’t have been good for your breathing. Momma I love you so much and cherish every single memory I have with you. I will never forget all of our mountain rides, you teaching me how to drive or the best friend you were to me. I miss you so much and I will never get over losing you. I have an ache in my heart that is never going to go away. But I know that you would want me to live my life the best I can and that you will be with me every step of the way. Momma, thank you so much for being my Mother. Rest in peace my beautiful angel!

Love Always,

Jessica Dawn

Education vs Ignorance

Recently I heard that one of our schools was having children read a Muslim book. Many parents are outraged with the decision. I can see why they are. I mean our country is at war with terrorist of the Muslim culture. However, not all Muslims are terrorist; just like all people black or white aren't assholes. What is it hurting to allow children to learn about other cultures? Students have always been taught about different cultures in school. So why is the Muslim culture different?
I was discussing this topic with my Gramma the other day. She informed me that when she was growing up Italians were looked down on and not excepted. Funny how time changes how others view other cultures. In the past African Americans, Asians, Mexicans etc have been hated by others. I still don't understand why people feel the need to be so ignorant toward other cultures. At one point in American history every single culture was hated by someone else.
Shouldn't we be teaching the next generation to become educated about others and not judgmental?
Promote education & love, not hate &ignorance.

Life can change in an instant

I don’t’ even know where to start on things that have happened in the past 8-9 months. So much has happened that it’s hard to keep track of everything. I believe it was September or October 2013 that I went to the Knapper clinic in Danville with pap, Aunt Tammie and Momma. It was that day that forever changed my family’s lives. We found out that my mom’s cancer she had been fighting for years had spread to her bone marrow. They gave her 4 to 5 months I believe. I can’t really remember all the details being it was so long ago. Stuff started going downhill real fast. She had been hospitalized several times. She had to have several blood and platelet transfusions. At one point she got a procedure done where they drained fluid out of her lungs. Eventually, it lead to her getting a tube placed in her lung permanently to drain the fluid 24/7. We even had hospice coming in every couple days. Dad’s boss gave him a lay off just be home with her the last few months. My boss let me go part time. 

On November 17^th, 2013 my mother and I got baptized at the local church in Greenburr. That is what my mom wanted before she passed. Even though I had struggled watching my mother fight a losing battle with cancer, I still found some peace with god. I begged him at one point to end her misery. Watching her struggle to breath, slowly lose all function over her body and losing her mind was the worst thing ever. I remember there were days I would come home and dad would say she didn’t eat so I went to the store bought V8 juice would come back and fight with her just so she would drink it. She really didn’t want to because when she would eat or drink she was barely able to keep it down.

On December 8^th, 2014 my Mother and best friend lost her battle with Ovarian Cancer. It was about 6 am when my dad came upstairs. He said “Jess I think you need to get up”; I knew that I didn’t need to ask why I just felt it in my body what happened. But I asked anyhow. Dad said that she had passed. He grabbed me held me tight and we cried. It was one of very few times that I seen my dad cry. We went downstairs my neighbor was down there waiting for us. I walked in the room where mom was. Dad had covered her with the blanket where she laid on the floor. I swear my heart stopped for a few minutes. When I walked back out to the kitchen, Laura was there she held me and hugged me as I cried. She doesn’t know how much that meant to me. Dad dealt with the paramedics and then mom’s hospice nurse came in and was able to pronounce her dead instead of having to wait for the coroner. I remember listening to him talk to the SV responders and they said about having to do CPR on her. We couldn’t find her DNR papers but thankfully the hospice nurse was able to stop them. I couldn’t imagine having them try to bring her back. I think honestly dad and I would have physically stopped them because she was gone we didn’t want her to suffer and we knew in our hearts she was ready. It doesn’t make it any easier but it was somewhat relieving when she went.

The one thing she wanted me to do was to write up her obituary with all our family mentioned. Where she went to school. Even though talking with her about what happens when she dies was horrible I am glad she was. She said it was up to me what I wanted to do as far as services went. I knew she wanted me to throw a big ole party for her. She loved when I did things like that for her. She loved the attention. I have been planning her Celebration of life since she died. Not it’s only a few weeks away and its weird because I am really starting to miss her even more as it get near.

One thing my mom was worried about was my relationship with my dad. He always told her that if something happened to her that he was going to kick me out. That scared her she knew I couldn’t afford to be on my own just yet. It’s amazing how close my dad and I have gotten since her passing. He has been my backbone and stands up for me when I feel like I am being backed into a corner. It’s funny how in February I found this really nice apartment in the building next to my work. I was all ready to move in; I wondered if I could afford it in the back of my mind. But dad sat me down and we talked, it was then I decided I didn’t want to move away from home. I wanted and needed to be right where I am with him. Sounds weird being 30 years old and living at home but I am glad I do.

In March I celebrated my 30^th birthday. It was a great night with all my friends. We went to Rauchtown Inn. I only remember the first part of the night and bits of the rest. LOL must have been a dam good night. I appreciated my friends coming out to help celebrate it meant a lot.

So I stopped taking my depression medicine in April. I felt as though I had my emotions all under control. But recently I have been dealing with them being out of control. The same shit that has always gone on at work has seemed to escalate which makes my anger get out of control. Then with my mommas celebration of life party that I been planning; it feels like members of my family seem to think its ok to make decisions without consulting me first. This is one thing my dad has had my back on. Whenever I get pissed about something I go straight to him. I understand them wanting to be a part of it because they loved her to but she is MY MOM and she has said several times in front of them that I am in charge. I guess maybe I should get back on my medicine.

Lately, I been feeling really down not just because of dealing with Mom’s death but because I can feel myself getting less and less active. I hate moving or walking anywhere because my body aches so badly. I think tomorrow I am calling the doctor to get tested again to see where my thyroid levels are at and maybe get back on depression medicine and see about going to my nutrionist again. I don’t want to be that fat girl on TV that can’t move. I already can’t even walk a block to the liquor store without getting completely winded. I don’t like walking around the block because of people making comments to me. Members of my family get frustrated because I don’t go for walks with them. It’s not that I don’t want to I would love to be able to do that but my body says I can’t. I hate even going into the stores because I get stared down. My brothers asked me for years to go out with them to the bar but the one time I had went some guy had made fun of me. Of course Tim stood up for me but it made me feel like shit. So that is why I don’t go many places or do much anymore.

And that people is the way I have been feeling for months. 

My best friend gave me the best advice
He said each day's a gift and not a given right
Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind
And try to take the path less traveled by
That first step you take is the longest stride

If today was your last day
And tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
If today was your last day