Camping

So this weekend has  been pretty amazing. Thursday night was brother Tim's birthday and I was his DD so we took him out to Rauchtown for some drinks. I ended up buying him 5 shots, one for every month he is younger than me. Then Scottie and Jennia both got him shots. So needless to say by the time we left he was wasted.
Friday, I went to camp with my cousin Sandy her fiance and Kelly and her fiance as well. We had a blast with the kids and hanging out by the fire. After the kids went to bed Kelly and I drank like we did before kids lol. I wasn't such a great idea, i woke up still drunk.
Sandy cooked breakfast for everyone Saturday and we hung out by the fire just enjoying the quite. Kelly and her family eventually left and then Brandon and Megan came back to camp. We shot skeet and I cooked them supper. It was a good time, then they left so it was just me Sandy and Justin that night. I stayed up til maybe 11:00pm before I decided it was bedtime. When I woke up in the morning Sanners and Justin had the camp almost completely cleaned. No wonder I love her :)
Monday I was suppose to go to work but Momma was sick and running a fever. She felt like she was going to throw up so I stayed home with her. Then Monday night I started getting sick coughing and feeling like heck. So I ended up staying home both Tuesday and Wednesday. Tomorrow I plan on making an appointment because my lungs hurt so bad and I feel like I am suffocating.

Rant and Update :)

So this is kind of going backwards on the positive outlook thing but I just need to get it off my chest.

I find it sad that you still hold so much hatred toward me for things that I had said over three months ago if not more. I also find it sad that you feel the need to exaggerate things to turn people who don't know me against me. Isn't that why you hate me? Talking about you behind your back was why we stopped talking right? You did it even when we were friends so how are you  better than me that you can get away with it?  Doesn't make sense to me? Either way as I have said before it's over with but just felt like I should take a step down from where I was to point that out to you. 

The past couple months have been a big learning experience for me. It has definitely had some pretty low points were reality and the truth came and smacked me across the face pretty hard. I have been learning that no matter how bad you think life is that you should be grateful for what is good. I am so grateful to have friends who continue to stand by my side knowing what I have done in previous months. I have been trying to change how I react to situations and not judging others. It is a very hard habit to break but I have been seeing the rewards of doing this and they are wonderful and less stressful. There was a few things that have gone on in my family that I have not agreed with but instead of jumping in and running my mouth I calmed everyone else down and asked what events caused this and got both sides of the story. Another recent event tested me as well. A family member started to see someone I really didn't care for but instead of being like other people and putting her down I am standing right by her side and hoping the best for her. I dont want to hurt anymore people that I care about. People say that I should voice my opinion and not keep things bottled up. Well i really don't keep anything bottled up I do speak how i feel and I choose the right tone of voice and time to do so. 

I photographed my friend Jenny's wedding this weekend. My cousin Tylor helped me like he has in the past. He has a great eye and I think that if I ever go big in photography that I am going to hire him first. The wedding went great we got a lot of great shots and I walked away from that wedding feeling better about the photographs then i did with the other weddings I had photographed. I am actually thinking about starting to photograph more weddings. I think I might want to work on getting a new camera first. 

Gramma has officially taken over my finances. I think this was one the of best decisions I have made in a long time. My goal is to not have access to my funds and let her do what needs to be done so that maybe someday I can buy her house and live comfortably. So many people say that you can't take your money with you when you die so why not spend it. My gramma has taught me that you never know when your going to have an added expense so it is best to save. Also I want to have nice things and have money to fall back on so I don't have to live pay check to paycheck. So you can all laugh at me for having her handle my fiances but bottom line is I know that I will be ok. 

Feeling Good about things

Life seems to be going pretty good at this point and no I am not just saying that. I am pretty happy and staying positive about things. I have been learning that it is really hard not to insert my opinion in my friends problems. I want to be there for them and be someone they can talk to but in the same sense it makes me feel like crap. I end up feeling down or getting pissed that the other person is not doing what I think is right. I wish the best for my friends and family who are having issues but I don't think it is healthy for me to be involved. Today is the start of the Photo Fundraiser for Deb Jodun I only have 4 signed up for it but I guess that is better than nothing. Maybe after I post the first photo from the session I will get more response which would be nice. 

In November one of my best friends turns 30 so I am starting to plan her birthday party. We are going with the Dazed and Confused theme which is one of her favorite movies and mine to. I think I am more looking forward to dressing up in the 70's style lol. My best friend has been there for me since 4th grade. We have gone through our share of problems and have even went years without talking but you know what. When we started talking it was like we just picked up where we left off. It's awesome to have a friend like her. She doesn't lie to me, has never stolen from me and is true to the end. She makes me so proud graduating from collage and managing three little boys. What makes her even better is the fact that she doesn't care if she has a big party she would just be happy with a few friends drinking. It shows me that she truly cares about the more important things than items and outdoing others. Some people should take a lesson from her they might learn something.

My friends had a picnic the weekend after the 4th of July. It was pretty nice, there was no drama and everyone had a good time. I even got to catch up with an old friend. It was great to see how he has grown into a man instead of the crazy, mouthy party boy that he was. Now he went to school is in a stable relationship and buying a house. That is awesome. We ended our night setting off a great firework display which was awesome. 

Guess the saying is true that life is so much better when you delete the negativity out or in my case they delete themselves out. I am kind of glad it ended that way or I don't think I would have done it myself.

Staying Positive

I had a friend recently ask me to post online that I was going to his party just so that two people who I am not getting along with don't show up. Of course I did so but I just wish he would have told them his self instead of covering up his true feelings for them. It is what it is and I am realizing just how many friends talk crap on other friends. I guess I have been so wrapped up in the drama that I wasn't seeing how negative that is. Oh well I suppose since I ain't the one doing it that it doesn't effect me. Some of the crap that is said those is hilarious. I am sure I get talked about by everyone to and it really hasn't been bothering to much the past few days. I am almost to the point where i could care less. I can't change other peoples opinions on myself I can only move on and try to do better. My first step to moving on and living a better life is saying I am sorry to those who have been offended by my words. I really don't care that they constantly put me down for the same things they do or not. I need to become a better person and hopefully they can see the person they are is not great either. 

The past couple weeks I have trying to delete the negative out of my life which due to my own mouth I already had three negative people do that for me. In the process I have started to surround myself with positive thoughts and people. My life goal has always been to be someone that others can look up to and inspire them to do better things with their lives. I know I am not perfect in any way shape or form. In fact my body image is definitely not perfect I am considered morbidly obese. It has been a struggle to change that aspect of myself but just like trying to stay positive it is a everyday battle. I was looking back on some of the projects I had to do when I first started college and came across My Personal Guiding Statement from 2010:

 I will overcome whatever is put in front of me with Respect &Integrity towards myself and others

My Goal in life is to be the best person I can be. To never give up on my dreams of being a photographer. I want to be someone that kids can look up to and influence them to strive to reach their goals. Someday I hope to be a well known photographer in my area. I also want to help other photography students gain experience and skills to help them get one step closer to their dreams.

I think that god had intended me to find this to help me find my way back to myself and help me get back on track. So many people can put me down and try to drag me down with you but I am not falling. I am my own person who controls my own destiny. 

http://pinterest.com/pin/166773992424044403/

I know what I need to do!

So if you have read the past two posts you have seen what I have been dealing with. Of course it is my own fault allowing myself to become just like the others. The only thing that is really bothering me is the fact that I got accused of saying stuff about another friend calling her and her husband druggies, bad parents and worthless or something like that. I know that I never called her or him that. Supposedly there is a recording of me saying these things. I would really like to hear that recording because i know i didn't say that shit. I did however say how they couldn't be trusted and police reports don't lie. However, they do just what I have done and that is blame someone else and lie about it. At this point I am talking about 3 people not just the couple. I take full responsibility for what i say and my actions I just wish others could do the same.  Either way its over and I have been warned several times about allowing certain people back in my life. I didn't listen and now I am in the middle of a freaking drama war which was caused by opening my mouth. All this bullshit didn't start till they came back into my life it was pretty peaceful before that. At least it taught me who I want to be and that the person I was becoming was not good. So for all of you that I have offended I am sorry and I can't change the past. However, I can change my future and the only person I need to prove that to is myself. Like I have told my brothers I am better than that and don't want to become a hypocrite :) 

"Dear Lord Jesus, I know that I am a sinner, and I ask for Your forgiveness. I believe You died for my sins and rose from the dead. I turn from my sins and invite You to come into my heart and life. I trust You as my Savior. In Your Name, Amen! "

I will now bow, I will not break!

I been having a real ruff time since the falling out with my best friend aka Sister. I have discovered that i am the type of person i hate the most. Which of course is the one who talks behind others backs. I just wish that all these people who are saying that people like that are no good would look in the mirror. Cause guess what fuck faces your the same fucking way! I went into a depression that i could not get out of with help. So thursday June 6th I sucked it up and called the doctor. She of course put me on 25mg of Zolloff. I am not ashamed of it. It wasn't just the shit that happened with Sis that put me into the depression it was also school, working a dead end job, i have no time to enjoy my photography and be creative and also my mom being sick. I been down for a few months but like i said it wasn't until recent that it became to much for me to handle. I am doing better and trying to stay positive. I decided to talk to my counselor and she agreed that it is best if i take some time off school. It's almost as though a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I have been focusing on starting a side business to go with my photography called J.D. Vonada Photography &Creative Designs. I am full of lots of ideas and can't wait for a few weeks from now when I get to take a song and turn it into a photo story. I been getting a lot of response for photo's to which is awesome. I have been trying to stay positive and focus on things that make me happy.
I noticed a few months ago how my attitude was changing and i was no longer positive. I started being hostile and get angry fast. So the fact that it has come to this does not surprise me. I started letting negative people back in my life and i will not make that mistake again. I want to thank all my close friends who message me everyday to check on me, you don't know how much it means to have such great friends in my life like you. My two Valley brothers have been awesome even taking me on their weekend fishing trip and spending time with me just talking. Those boys are amazing! My mom and dad are really supportive of me and dad even bought me a .38 special which made me happy.
My doctor told me to keep a journal of my feelings because it will help me get my frustrations out. I am going to make it public and hopefully it can help influence people positively.

Theme song of the week is "I Will Not Bow" it's been stuck in my head for days :)

All is lost again
But I'm not giving in

I will not bow
I will not break
I will shut the world away
I will not fall
I will not fade
I will take your breath away

And I'll survive!

The Maker of my Own Misery

I had something said to me that really got to me today. It was by one of my best friends who I am not getting along with right now because I talked about their significant other. They told me I am guilty of talking about each of my friends. My response to that is look in the mirror because you have talked about those people to. I always have a response to everything and it’s usually calling others out on their crap. But the more I have thought about it the more it hurts me and makes me realize that I am a horrible human being for doing that. These people are my best friends who I would do anything for and love like my siblings. I am not trying to make excuses but sometimes you just need to vent, ya know! It’s still not a good reason. Everyone does it. You can sit there and say you are not guilty of talking smack on someone but even your little comments about how horrible a person looks, how bad they act or what they live like is talking smack.  I am sitting here in tears because I just feel so horrible. I guess the first step to changing is confessing and admitting that I have done wrong. I have always been told words hurt. I always knew it was true just didn’t know how much it hurt. To those of you I have wronged I am sorry and I know that nothing will take back what I have done. I truly do value and love my friends with all my heart which is why this hurts so much. Everything I have said in the past couple weeks has been exactly how I have felt about situations, so at least I wasn’t lying. I have always tried to be truthful and sometimes sugar coat things so they are less offensive to the other person. I don’t ask forgiveness because I know I won’t get it. Just thought I would let everyone know that I am not perfect and I am human just like everyone else. See this mean ass has feelings or else I would not have cried while writing this. I have no one to blame but myself. I can sit here and say that people need to take their own advice about talking about people behind their backs because lets face it their are people worse then me. But the only person I need to worry about is me and how I effect other people and how I effect my own personal being and reputation.