Ways I Can Improve Myself

Let's start by me admitting my flaws. First step to recovery is admitting you have a problem right? Now, where do I start?

First and most important thing I want to change is my obesity, this has always been an issue ever since I was about eight or nine years old. When I was in high school my senior year I did extremely well with excercise and ended up losing nearly 60lbs in a few months. Of course I also was using those stacker 3 pills with the ephedrine in them. Boy how i miss those bad boys. I would have so much energy and walk 5-10 Miles a day while jamming out to my favorite music. Now I smoke so I have a hard time walking anywhere. I did quit for awhile but started back up when my moms got worse with her cancer. I tried stopping right after I lost her in December but add that to my list of fails. So what I propose to do is start eating healthy again. Veggies and fruit will replace my junk food. I love fruits and veggies, but man they can be expensive to buy ever two weeks. But I am going to budget for healthy food because I also have a insulin problem where my body makes to much and by controlling my diet alone will help me lose weight. Eventually, I will get to a point where it will be easier to start walking, even if its just around the block. I have some 5lb weights so I will use those to tone my arms.

Another thing I have a bad habit of doing that I really need to work on is hitting the snooze button on my alarm. This causes me to run late all the time. I can't keep being late for work because it is not fair to my boss or coworkers.

Finally, yes I said finally because these are the most important things. I want to start doing things for myself and work on making me happy again. I always put others first and try to help others before myself. Usually, me helping others leads to me going in debt and spending money I need for bills on others. I want to work on getting my credit score up about 550 again. I also want to focus on photography, quilting and crafts. I also wanna attempt my first trash to treasure flip. Just think that would be something cool to do.

No Title for This Really...

My mom was born in Lock Haven on June 14^th, 1960. She was the first child for her mother Loretta Mae Hetzel and Robert Edward Stevenson. My mom had a pretty good childhood aside from some family drama, but you will always have that in every family. The thing that matters most is that her parents always gave her what she needed and loved her unconditionally. Her sisters Brenda and Donna were trouble makers so Mom would get in trouble for things they did and even had a stereo smashed because of them. She never forgot this and always reminded them of it too lol. My mom was about 12 yrs. old when her baby sister Tammie was born. So mom took to her the most. Probably because my Aunt Tammie was so much like her. Mom always loved spoiling her. She always told me about the one Christmas that she had a job and went out and bought aunt tam this giant teddy bear that was bigger than my aunt lol.

When she graduated high school she started working full time. That’s when she started getting new friends and partying. She even bought her first new car I believe it was a 79 Nova (Don’t quote me on that). Eventually, Moms met my dad. They shared some of the same friends. Mom always told me how that dad saved her one night when her one boyfriend (Dave I think) was fighting with her and my dad stepped in. They have pretty much been together since then. She got pregnant after a few months I believe and had me on March 17^th, 1984 at 9:26pm at the lock haven hospital. She always called me her good luck baby. I was her pride and joy and I knew it. My Momma took care of me and made sure that I had everything I needed. She didn’t care if she went without or not.

There are two days that come to mind when I think she was the most disappointed and that is the day she had to tell dad and I that she had ovarian cancer. She told us that the doctor said that she could live 5-10 years. We found out years down the road when mom went to see doctor young that he didn’t think she was going to make it that long. But she did because she is a fighter. The second day that comes to mind is when Pap, Tam &Me went with her to her appointment in Danville at the Knapper Clinic. That was the day she had to come out and tell me that there was nothing more they could do. All they could do is make her comfortable by giving her platelets and blood transfusion. The cancer had spread to her bone marrow. I cried and cried. I know it went right through her. We were all scared. The following months we watched her slowly lose her battle to Ovarian Cancer. She started having to stay in the hospital for extended periods of time. At one point she had to have a tube put in her lung to drain the fluid out of it 24/7. We watched the cancer affect her brain and mobility. She stopped eating. It was so horrible, but dad stayed by her side and took care of her. He made sure that everything was done for her, medicine was given when needed. He slept on the recliner for months.

My Mom was the best mother a girl could ask for. I feel bad for those who never got to know what a real mother is. My Mom is my hero and I miss her every day. I haven’t been the same since she past. I no longer have the drive and determination that I use to have. I don’t get excited over anything anymore. All the things I loved I no longer care about doing. I know that’s not what she wants but I just can’t get past it right now. To all those worried about me taking my life, please don’t worry about that. I promise you that I will never do that. I can’t! I could never put my Dad through that. He already lost my Mom and it would kill him to lose me. I couldn’t do that to my Grandparents, Aunt Tam or my cousins. So please don’t ever think that I would consider suicide as a way out. I love you all too much to ever do that. I am having a real hard time dealing with this, but I will get past it. I am made up of my Momma and Daddy’s DNA which means I don’t back down, I am a fighter and this depression will not win. It won’t! Someday I will get my drive and determination back but right now I am dealing with grief.

I don’t like to talk about things so please don’t say to me that if you need to talk I am here. I know you’re here for me. Honestly, I don’t know what I need. Right now if you want to do anything for me or be here for me. I love mountain rides so if you want to do something for me. Tell me we are going out on the mountain for the day. Don’t think that because we are quiet that you’re not being a good friend, because you being quiet and just hanging out with me, means more than trying to talk and pry into my issues. I am not going nowhere so get it out of your head.. Love you all..