Bad Friend

For the past several weeks I have noticed a change in my personality as well as my emotions. One of which resulted in me being a  bad friend. I am not who I use to be several years ago. It seems that at that time I was a social butterfly who loved hanging out with my friends and family. Now I would rather just stay home with my dad. 

For the past few weeks I have been without my cell phone because I just cant justify spending money on a cell when I pay for a home number. Well I had asked my best friend about hanging out with her for her birthday. She said she would let me know and she did but I didn't get the message until I was already home last night and didn't have the gas to go back to town. I feel so horrible and wished at that point I had my cell turned on so I could have gotten her message. It would have been so great to hang out with her on her birthday. Last year I wasn't able to due to my mom being sick with the cancer. I have other friends to that have taken a back seat with me. I am not sure what my plans are for New Years Eve but I think that as long as the weather is good I am going to make the trip to see my best friend aka Sister. I miss her so much!

Feeling Blah

Lately I been feeling down. I know a lot of it is coming from the fact that I haven't taken my medicine in almost 2+ Weeks. Kinda hard to do so when you run short on money after paying the bills and have just enough, if enough for gas to get back to work. So needless to say med's took a back seat. I don't make a lot of money where I work and I am in the process now of switching to a work from home job. So hopefully working from home will help with my mood and having more money because I will be making $.75 more an hour and also not paying for gas or parking tickets. Everyone is always saying how I need to park in the back parking lot at work and get a permit. Well yes that is a great idea! Except for the fact that I am unable to walk that far without feeling like I can't breath. I keep up with my tickets and send checks in every pay to take care of them so they don't go to magistrate. I come home and find that one slipped through the cracks. I had no idea and thought I took care of this. I don't know what else to do. I am always feeling like shit, feel like everyone is yelling at me, nothing I do is good enough. Guess that is life and I should just get over it. I would never kill myself but sometimes I just wish it would all end. You don't know what it's like to know that your always going to be the fat girl. Yes, if I eat right I could manage my insulin disorder better. However, everything healthy cost money. I gotta make sure the bills at home are taken care of before I can go out and spend whatever on healthy food. As I said before after bills and gas is taken care of I barely have enough for medicine so where the hell am I coming up with the money for healthy food. I just don't know what to do anymore. Just seems like I am in this on going hell where everything is fucked up and always will be.