Life can change in an instant

I don’t’ even know where to start on things that have happened in the past 8-9 months. So much has happened that it’s hard to keep track of everything. I believe it was September or October 2013 that I went to the Knapper clinic in Danville with pap, Aunt Tammie and Momma. It was that day that forever changed my family’s lives. We found out that my mom’s cancer she had been fighting for years had spread to her bone marrow. They gave her 4 to 5 months I believe. I can’t really remember all the details being it was so long ago. Stuff started going downhill real fast. She had been hospitalized several times. She had to have several blood and platelet transfusions. At one point she got a procedure done where they drained fluid out of her lungs. Eventually, it lead to her getting a tube placed in her lung permanently to drain the fluid 24/7. We even had hospice coming in every couple days. Dad’s boss gave him a lay off just be home with her the last few months. My boss let me go part time. 

On November 17^th, 2013 my mother and I got baptized at the local church in Greenburr. That is what my mom wanted before she passed. Even though I had struggled watching my mother fight a losing battle with cancer, I still found some peace with god. I begged him at one point to end her misery. Watching her struggle to breath, slowly lose all function over her body and losing her mind was the worst thing ever. I remember there were days I would come home and dad would say she didn’t eat so I went to the store bought V8 juice would come back and fight with her just so she would drink it. She really didn’t want to because when she would eat or drink she was barely able to keep it down.

On December 8^th, 2014 my Mother and best friend lost her battle with Ovarian Cancer. It was about 6 am when my dad came upstairs. He said “Jess I think you need to get up”; I knew that I didn’t need to ask why I just felt it in my body what happened. But I asked anyhow. Dad said that she had passed. He grabbed me held me tight and we cried. It was one of very few times that I seen my dad cry. We went downstairs my neighbor was down there waiting for us. I walked in the room where mom was. Dad had covered her with the blanket where she laid on the floor. I swear my heart stopped for a few minutes. When I walked back out to the kitchen, Laura was there she held me and hugged me as I cried. She doesn’t know how much that meant to me. Dad dealt with the paramedics and then mom’s hospice nurse came in and was able to pronounce her dead instead of having to wait for the coroner. I remember listening to him talk to the SV responders and they said about having to do CPR on her. We couldn’t find her DNR papers but thankfully the hospice nurse was able to stop them. I couldn’t imagine having them try to bring her back. I think honestly dad and I would have physically stopped them because she was gone we didn’t want her to suffer and we knew in our hearts she was ready. It doesn’t make it any easier but it was somewhat relieving when she went.

The one thing she wanted me to do was to write up her obituary with all our family mentioned. Where she went to school. Even though talking with her about what happens when she dies was horrible I am glad she was. She said it was up to me what I wanted to do as far as services went. I knew she wanted me to throw a big ole party for her. She loved when I did things like that for her. She loved the attention. I have been planning her Celebration of life since she died. Not it’s only a few weeks away and its weird because I am really starting to miss her even more as it get near.

One thing my mom was worried about was my relationship with my dad. He always told her that if something happened to her that he was going to kick me out. That scared her she knew I couldn’t afford to be on my own just yet. It’s amazing how close my dad and I have gotten since her passing. He has been my backbone and stands up for me when I feel like I am being backed into a corner. It’s funny how in February I found this really nice apartment in the building next to my work. I was all ready to move in; I wondered if I could afford it in the back of my mind. But dad sat me down and we talked, it was then I decided I didn’t want to move away from home. I wanted and needed to be right where I am with him. Sounds weird being 30 years old and living at home but I am glad I do.

In March I celebrated my 30^th birthday. It was a great night with all my friends. We went to Rauchtown Inn. I only remember the first part of the night and bits of the rest. LOL must have been a dam good night. I appreciated my friends coming out to help celebrate it meant a lot.

So I stopped taking my depression medicine in April. I felt as though I had my emotions all under control. But recently I have been dealing with them being out of control. The same shit that has always gone on at work has seemed to escalate which makes my anger get out of control. Then with my mommas celebration of life party that I been planning; it feels like members of my family seem to think its ok to make decisions without consulting me first. This is one thing my dad has had my back on. Whenever I get pissed about something I go straight to him. I understand them wanting to be a part of it because they loved her to but she is MY MOM and she has said several times in front of them that I am in charge. I guess maybe I should get back on my medicine.

Lately, I been feeling really down not just because of dealing with Mom’s death but because I can feel myself getting less and less active. I hate moving or walking anywhere because my body aches so badly. I think tomorrow I am calling the doctor to get tested again to see where my thyroid levels are at and maybe get back on depression medicine and see about going to my nutrionist again. I don’t want to be that fat girl on TV that can’t move. I already can’t even walk a block to the liquor store without getting completely winded. I don’t like walking around the block because of people making comments to me. Members of my family get frustrated because I don’t go for walks with them. It’s not that I don’t want to I would love to be able to do that but my body says I can’t. I hate even going into the stores because I get stared down. My brothers asked me for years to go out with them to the bar but the one time I had went some guy had made fun of me. Of course Tim stood up for me but it made me feel like shit. So that is why I don’t go many places or do much anymore.

And that people is the way I have been feeling for months. 

My best friend gave me the best advice
He said each day's a gift and not a given right
Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind
And try to take the path less traveled by
That first step you take is the longest stride

If today was your last day
And tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
If today was your last day